IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US.

I guess it wasn't going to be that long before a relatively wtf-inspiring game came along. I swear, anyone checking out my gamercard this next week is going to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Two games came today, so I'll do the rundown before I get on to XBLA sweetness.

Cabela's African Safari
Achievements: 30 (all offline for 1000 gs)

The fact that all the achievements are offline is of no surprise, given that if you are actually playing a hunting game for your own enjoyment, chances are you have few to no online friends to play with anyway.

That being said, it's not an entirely awful game, and is at the very least evidence that some turds can be polished with a modicum of success. There's a wide selection of unlockable areas and firearms as you progress through the game, and the game rewards and/or penalizes you based on what you're using for any given trophy; using an elephant gun on turtle doves is liable to get you yelled at, for instance. Of course, I imagine the ensuing spray of feathers is hilarious, so I will end up trying this eventually.

Still, it's just a hunting game. It basically comes down to a third person shooter against critters that don't have firearms to fuck up your shit. Things like lions aren't to be trifled with, however, as you learn as early on as the tutorial. Even with "Adrenaline Mode," which is basically just a panic button that slows down time so you can get a clear shot or two on something that's about to take your face off, chances are you're going to be heading back to the lodge to nurse your wounds.

As for the achievements, it seems they focused on unlocks and game mechanics here, as most of the gamerscore you recieve is obtained by playing all the different gametypes and killing things using your alternate fire modes, like the aforementioned adrenaline and "Hunter's Sense," which equates to popping pills before using the sniper rifle in Metal Gear Solid.

All in all, pretty fair and they keep you playing the game for a bit, so good on them.

Cabela's Alaskan Adventures
Achievements: 46 (all offline for 1000 gs)

Oh man. This, on the other hand... it's pretty much a port of the PS2 version of the game, and it's glaringly obvious. I've never even played the PS2 version, but daaaamn for a hi-def system, this shit is just pug-fugly. This would probably be a step up in realism, in all honesty:


Unlike the rains in Africa, this one's first person, giving you a lovely view of your fingerless man-claw grasping your rifley-looking thing most of the time. The HUD is a bit more rudimentary as well, which in some ways is a blessing (Dudes in the savannah get radar? What?), but is still bothersome at times. I still don't know what the green bar stretching across the compass is. I'm very confused.

That, and the game is a great deal more in-depth than its warmer, prettier brother. While there are once again firearms to collect, you also have to buy hunting outfits, and rations, and first aid kits, and license tags, and all sorts of crap. There are stats I presume you can boost, too, and on top of all the shooting there are three different kinds of fishing. Oh, and dogsledding. You think I'm joking?

Despite all this, the achievement list seems to have taken the route of nickel-and-diming you for finding new and tasty ways to piss off PETA. Achievements for every type of game shot or caught comprise a good portion of what you can acquire, with the rest being filled for beating challenges in the different difficulty levels. Shoot a polar bear (which is disgustingly easy)? 10 points! Catch some salmon? 5 points! Whee!

I have no idea how much I'm going to be able to milk either of these for, however, as something I've waited for quite some time now finally dropped in Arcade today. Oh, is it glorious.

Rez HD
Achievements: 12 (all offline, I think, for 200)

I'm not sure if the "local rankings" are online or for beating pre-set high scores yet; if they are, that makes the list 9 offline and 3 online. But whatever, screw the achievements. This game, man. This fucking game.

For those of you who never ran into Rez on the PS2 (or the Dreamcast, for that matter), its greatest notoriety is from it probably being the only console game to have ever come packaged with a vibrator.

Yes, a vibrator. Stop looking at me like that. There's a concept to all this, really.

The idea is, the game is supposed to be a synaesthetic experience. As you play the levels, which are tied in with the throbbing techno background music, your firing on the enemies and collecting items throughout this rails shooter affects the music. As you do better and progress, the feedback provided by the Trance Vibrator becomes more intense, thus immersing you more in the game through force feedback.

It's Tetsuya Mizuguchi. He's weird like that.

Anyway, they yanked the vibrator code from this release, so you can't plug it into the USB ports on your 360, but they may have done one better. You see, you can now vibrate up to three other controllers while you play, thus giving you triple the vibrator action.

Now, before you go shoving a pink wireless down your pants, let me point out that the most incredible experiences I had with the PS2 version involved placing the vibrator right on my spine, between the bottom of my shoulderblades. The pulsing goes up and down the spine and through a good part of the skeleton and... it's indescribable. Also, I should note I was pretty drunk both times I did this. But seriously, try it, it'll keep your controllers a little cleaner if nothing else.

Definitely a buy even at 800 points. I feel sorry for Chessmaster getting released today, too.